![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Midnight thoughts
Hello, God. It's me again.
I didn't think I'd be back to this page so soon. It's not just a fandom outlet, but my personal page, that I created after countless attempts of keeping a diary. No one is going to read this, and that's kinda comforting.
I am withering day by day. Nobody seems to notice. That'd be for the best. I don't wany to make anyone worried. It has happened before, and will happen again. It's just the circle of life, or the circle of me.
If the sky is the limit, rock bottom is the same in the opposite direction. I've been in a bad spot before. I know how to crawl out of darkness. Do I have the energy, though? Do I want to do it over and over and over again whenever it happens? Isn't it easy to just accept my condition and stay here?
I am tired. I've been tired for years. I never truly put my hands on the things I wanted. It was always runner-ups, plan Bs, second, third, fourth bests, other options that took me to places that weren't bad, but weren't where I pictured myself in the future. "This is kinda better than before," I'd think. "Shut up and have it, why are you so ungrateful? Don't you know many people would love to be in your shoes?"
Struggle as I might, I don't seem to be able to make a name for myself, in any aspect of my life. I'm not particularly good at anything. Perhaps I'll never even be good at anything. I don't have what it takes. I can't follow a schedule, for Lord's sake. Some days, I just wanna be silent. I don't wanna leave my bed. Where is that hopeful me that once existed? Did I hurt her too much?
It's strange. These feelings feel so correct for a moment, then go away like they were never here, leaving me scarred to deal with myself again. Well, I'm going to post this anyway. Just so I don't forget this chapter of my life.
Just so I can, perhaps, look back to this and think why I worried so much.
I didn't think I'd be back to this page so soon. It's not just a fandom outlet, but my personal page, that I created after countless attempts of keeping a diary. No one is going to read this, and that's kinda comforting.
I am withering day by day. Nobody seems to notice. That'd be for the best. I don't wany to make anyone worried. It has happened before, and will happen again. It's just the circle of life, or the circle of me.
If the sky is the limit, rock bottom is the same in the opposite direction. I've been in a bad spot before. I know how to crawl out of darkness. Do I have the energy, though? Do I want to do it over and over and over again whenever it happens? Isn't it easy to just accept my condition and stay here?
I am tired. I've been tired for years. I never truly put my hands on the things I wanted. It was always runner-ups, plan Bs, second, third, fourth bests, other options that took me to places that weren't bad, but weren't where I pictured myself in the future. "This is kinda better than before," I'd think. "Shut up and have it, why are you so ungrateful? Don't you know many people would love to be in your shoes?"
Struggle as I might, I don't seem to be able to make a name for myself, in any aspect of my life. I'm not particularly good at anything. Perhaps I'll never even be good at anything. I don't have what it takes. I can't follow a schedule, for Lord's sake. Some days, I just wanna be silent. I don't wanna leave my bed. Where is that hopeful me that once existed? Did I hurt her too much?
It's strange. These feelings feel so correct for a moment, then go away like they were never here, leaving me scarred to deal with myself again. Well, I'm going to post this anyway. Just so I don't forget this chapter of my life.
Just so I can, perhaps, look back to this and think why I worried so much.
psyluna